Jesus, Take the Control Freak

There was one time in my life when I actually remember surrendering and being totally convicted about it. I was 19, I was at Michigan State and I had been chasing the love from boys for as long as I could remember. But there was no boy that was worth anything. No one I could convince to love me. So I gave up. I mean I really gave up. I determined to focus on my schoolwork and then my career and revisit the boy thing later.

That’s when I met Rick. We’ve been together now for 25 years.

Of course. Murphy’s Law or God’s provision?

I am (re) reading “FreeFall to Fly” by Rebekah Lyons right now and most of today was about surrender. Truly giving up. Giving in to this is how it’s got to be. I am taking that to mean that I need to surrender changing. I CANNOT do it alone.

I am so frustrated with myself all the time. I am constantly trying to change. I want to be more relaxed, more in tune with people, a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter-in-law. I want to be more healthy, a better cook, less stressed. I want less tension in my muscles, less anxiety. Less constipation and less nightmares/stress dreams. I want less acne. I want to be more fashionable. I want close friendships. I want a thriving marriage and to be out of debt. I want to lead my kids to God well. I want to fix other peoples impressions of me. I want friends that are famous because if the world things they are all right then by association, I must be, too. I don’t want twisted thinking. I want to RELAX.

In short, I want to change everything.

And now I want one more thing. I want to surrender all of that to God.

I want to mean it. I want to give it all up. I want to confess all my sins to make way for God to move in these areas because I no longer have the energy to fight. I am drained. I am exhausted. I am spent.

People always say you should write your eulogy so that you can make it your goal list. When you die, what do you want people to say about you? And here’s the thing. I don’t think I will EVER match the eulogy I have for myself in my head. I just can’t do it. I don’t have the strength.

But God does. He tells me that He will be my strength in weakness. The real question then becomes, am I ready to surrender? Am I broken enough or do I have to keep working in my own strength longer? Do I really believe that God will rescue me?

Life is so hard. My mind is often so twisted. Can God really jump in there and help me believe that I am ok just as I am? Can He really rescue me from the torture of being me? I guess I believe that He can. I just don’t know if I believe that He will.

So to add to my prayer where I ask for rescue, I am asking for help with my unbelief, too. Not just for me, although largely for me. But for my kids. I see them beginning to struggle with this evil anxiety and I want to help. I think the best way for me to help is to address it in myself. But I cannot do it alone. I need God.

Desperately.